Recently I read this quote by Dean Spade from his essay For Lovers and Fighters that discusses
the concepts of friendship and romantic relationships:
“One of my goals in thinking
about redefining the way we view relationships is to try to treat the people I
date more like I treat my friends– try to be respectful and thoughtful and have
boundaries and reasonable expectations– and to try to treat my friends more
like my dates– give them special attention, honor my commitments to them, be
consistent, and invest deeply in our futures together.”
It got me thinking a lot about how young
people approach these two seemingly different but similar types of
relationships. I realize that as you get older the person you are intimately
committed to will play a larger and different role in your life, as in sharing a
house or raising a child. I wonder however, as young people, if we are
investing too intensely in our romantic relationships? Should we instead be
approaching these relationships the way we approach our friendships? I love my
friends very much but I would never expect them to be my “everything”. We make plans
and we keep in touch when we are apart but there is an important degree of
independence from one another. I wonder if relationships would be healthier or
last longer or end less painfully if codependence did not seem so significant. Codependence
is not the only thing that complicates relationships as they change and
inevitably end: it’s this whole idea of ‘love.’ Do we love our romantic
partners differently than we love our friends? Or is sex the only defining
difference between the two? Maybe this different concept of love is what gets
us into trouble and sex should be the
only difference. This quote has given me a degree of optimism regarding relationships and love, which I have been feeling quite cynical about lately. It made me
realize that as young people we have the opportunity to approach our
relationships in a number of different ways because we have the luxury of reaping
the benefits of being with someone without the responsibility that comes with
marriage or family. I think this is the prime time to apply this statement to
our platonic and intimate relationships, even if it doesn’t eliminate all the
heartache and heartbreak. I think it will allow us to have a number of healthy,
rewarding relationships, which when you think about it, sounds a lot more
appealing than investing everything in one person.
As a teenager I think that a few of my current friendships have the potential to last a lot longer than any romantic relationships I may form as an adolescent. I hate to be overly cynical but personally I doubt that I will meet the love of my life this year or the year after or even the year after that. Therefore, especially as young people, we should show our friendships a certain level of dedication and respect and not put romantic relationships first which is eternally condemned but still goes on. I also think that whilst still at school I will probably spend more time with my friends and I'm unlikely to start a family or move in with someone I meet as a teenager so it is very important that I put the effort in if the friendship is worth it and could last decades into the future.
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